


the ugly truth

by monffee



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 05:08:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10210259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monffee/pseuds/monffee
Summary: you’ll never fall in love you swore bitterly on my birthday.





	

my hand slipped as it touched the dim walls that surrounded you. my fingers numb. my palms can barely feel anything at all. you’ll never fall in love you swore bitterly on my birthday. and i just laughed uneasily cause my heart hope it’s a lie before i asked you to help me blew out those fourteen candles.

 

 

+

 

 

you leaned back comfortably against your bedroom wall next to me. your fingers were faithfully picking the strings of your careless dad’s old guitar as you closed your eyes. he was the man who left you, and your mother, and your little brother forever behind with the unreasonable truth. your mom said you just started to spoke and walked and cried a lot when he broke her heart and gone away.

 

you told me you’d kill him for all the suffers your mom, your little brother and you, yourself had got. you’ll make him pay someday. i still remember clearly the time when i, with so much worried, hurriedly opened up my bedroom door five years ago only to found you cried so hard outside, told me that you dreamt of your father. you missed him and you hate yourself for that, but i know better. i let you came into my room, hugged you close against my shorter form, lead you to slept on my bed with your head on my lap as i sang you a broken lullaby that night.

 

that was when i started to felt something strange grown up inside of me. there, in my heart. and that thing is still keeping itself there until this very second. i smiled at our not so pleasant yet loving memories, before singing you an unrequited love song that matched harmonically with your bittersweet melody. i admired your peaceful face secretly as you’re humming the same tunes as me.

 

you opened your eyes in surprise. your humming voice stopped just right when my shameless lips landed smoothly on your cheek. then you grinned so wide it almost hurt your lips after i congratulated youーwith a fake cheery voice you failed to realizedーfor your eighteenth birthday; while i’m about to hit seventeen next year.

 

 

+

 

 

you laughed aloud, staring at me who glared back in annoyance with a mix of shame at you. you just found me daydreaming over and again for the umpteenth time already today as we reached for the parking lot of our school. you sighed heavily and stopped me from my step before gripping both of my shoulders, analyzed me through your emerald like colored eyes; your beautiful orbs sparkling playfully as it teasing me who got lost there at the moment. i bite my lip nervously, and you cocked your eyebrows in curiosity.

 

_did you figured this out yet?_

 

i know every little thing about you, and i’m sure you also know me like an open book which unfortunately you’ve never bothered to read; passing the most interesting part of the bitter love story there. the tales of a small presence chasing over pseudo shadows. yes, it seemed like you can see through everything but me, my heart.

 

you hold me tightly all of sudden, and i swear i could feel my heart almost popped out of my mouth as i gaped. my mind totally immersed in confusion, happiness and dullness. my eyes were sore as i fight back the annoying tears that would fall any moment. it’s just felt right being trapped in your strong arms like this, being such a prisoner of your untouched heart. even if it hurts so bad i feel like killing my own self slowly. i just can’t stand it anymore. i’m holding my breath as i pray for a miracle that refuse to happened now or anytime soon; or ever. as if miracle exists.

 

just when will you realized it? when will you get rid of this? when will you finally let yourself to taste the fake and purity of love? how could you be this blind? i know you more than well, it’s not a bullshit. yet i didn’t seemed to understand you because you won’t let me to. your guard up way too strong and i found myself feeling like i didn’t have enough strength to break it. yet again, i still can’t have you even if i managed to do so, can i?

 

we were never meant to be after all.

 

i close my eyes and wrapped my arms around your waist just as tight. please just, just hold me a litle bit longer. you answered my silent request by caressing my back soothingly, and thus i can’t help but smiled against your neck at that little gesture. happily snuggled more into your embrace, let my soul melted into your warmth. you know i, my feeling, is not okay after all. it’s all enough for me.

 

and enough is enough. the clock finally hit the dreaded time, and i held my breathe a little more as you pushed me gently and squeeze my shoulders supportingly before you walked away for your bike ahead. i trembled on my knees as i saw your solid pillar which happen to be your back. i really should just give up, shouldn’t i? but no, i don’t want to.

 

_turn around, dear yuto! if you turned around, i’ll fight. no matter how much it hurts, i’ll survive._

 

my heart clenched tightly as your figure suddenly froze a few meters away from my quiet spot. and you did turning your head to me slightly, chuckling softly when you see me. you reached your hand out and mouthed something like, ’come on!’ then i smiled, coming to you with a light of joy surrounding my soul.

 

 

+

 

 

your gentle touch on my shoulder make my heart tickled painfully; it’s now pounding so fast in rhythm to the heat of my despair veins when you look at me sincerely with your mesmerizing eyes. i could no longer get out of that trap now, i’m sure of it. your thin lips teasing me with mischievous grin.

 

”come on, make a wish! you are in love all this time, aren't you?” the happy melodious voice of yours sounded like a song of sorrow to my ears. i fake a smile.

 

”no.” i distorted the fact as i turned into seventeen now. and you’re not going to figure my feeling out, right? not now. not ever, i supposed.

 

as much as i want you to know, i just can’t let it happen. you had no idea how tired i was to asked the very same request in every single years of my birthday ever since i’m aware of this damned feeling; since i know what’s something called love means, and since i heard your vows to never ever fell in love in your life. and trust me, you don’t even want to know how sick it felt to wished for the stars in every single night just to make you, who innocently overlooked the boring black and white to finally look deep into my heart. seeing the supernova that painted only for you there. and yet again, god won’t let it happen, ever.

 

_i love someone blindly enough to make me feel like i live in an outer space, and that  is you._

 

the light on those 17 candles was extinguished as i re-opening my eyes, and i could see the thin gray smoke blows into the breeze together with my futile plea as you hold me lovingly and whispered a cheerful, _'happy birthday, little bro!'_ and then another fake smile from me for you as my heart broken into a thousand pieces.

 

_yes, i’m painfully, deeply in love with you, my dear brother._

**Author's Note:**

> yamada is his little brother here. i’m sorry i didn’t mentioned it earlier because i’m aiming for a twisted ending (shy laughs)
> 
> / written on june 20th, 2011


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